The search for Jade by Dr. Nuria Lorite Ayán ©
"Looking out the window from my bed, I cover myself a little more. Today it is cold again. I know someone will say no, it's me, I'm always freezing. He is not without reason.
I use a lot of energy and effort to be better, I don't know if I want to say well, although I would like to, but there is so much frustration that I prefer not to put my “being well” bar at any point ... and move it as I feel. I think it costs me so much to be minimally good, or not to be bad, that I freeze. Cold hands, body shaking, feet hunched.
Today, gray has dawned. Like other days. But grayer in my mind I can't bear it. 120 days of confinement are many already. 127 within nothing. I look in my memory, looking for what I miss and I already got lost. There are many things that I don't remember from “before”.
Friends on weekends, the square where we stayed without staying, the nights lived with more intensity than the days, the absolute absence of a minimum pain that reminds you that you have a body. If it wasn't for the migraines and because sometimes I forget to eat.
I no longer remember which season I like best, nor what clothes I prefer. I have done the "change of clothes" by routine. And now where will be the maroon sweater? Should I look for the gloves?
I think of the names of the months of the year: they do not bring me any special feelings. August turned into a nightmare many years ago and I have not been able to trace it. Before by disagreements, so to speak, now by absences.
December? Cold. May? All the same. It does not matter the month, the day.
I am getting older, so much so that I already remember the cycles of years and the crises that mark these cycles. I strive to bring to mind good moments that sustain me in this infinite confinement. And I am aware that my life did not change so much, just, "just", I lost the ability to decide whether or not I wanted to go out. For the rest, I have been confined for many years in this social isolation that caused me pain and fear of suffering more. Neither friends, nor squares, nor bars, nor walks, for many years nobody has called me. So I look out the window from my bed, expecting a miracle, a visit, a hug. "
More often than people seem, we isolate ourselves because of the pain, because of the damage they did to us, because of mistreatment, because they abandoned us, because of the shame of something that seems terrifyingly unbearable to us, because of misunderstanding. We think that isolating ourselves is the way to avoid suffering by not exposing ourselves or the possibility of something happening. We forget that finally what hurts us the most is what we miss. We forget that the outside of us is not all bad. They could harm us in the past, but just like our body with the immune system aided by the nervous system, neurotransmitters and hormones, it learns to defend itself from unknown microorganisms and from those other heavy viruses that come back again and again "for you" , but we neutralize them, we also have a “mental defense that learns and an innate protection”; We have several ways to defend ourselves, both help us to relate again. As we help the body with food and with substances that strengthen balanced defense, the mind and emotions can receive help to go back to the world and live!
If you have suffered in the past and live in isolation; if the memory of the past is so painful that you live in infinite isolation ... If you see or read yourself in these words ... ask for help. You are not alone, you are not alone. There is nothing to justify.
Take this friendly hand even in the distance, and let go when you feel safe.
Dra. Nuria Lorite Ayán
- Founder of Biloba (School and Advisor for individuals and companies)
- Director of podcast and radio La Vida Biloba.
- Creator Master Life Products
- Governing Council Bircham International University